The last time, I felt like this way,it was the end of April (but, I had been backsliding for sometime before I realized it). My Aunt passed then(she fought breast cancer back in the 80’s and had a mastectomy), She was a great woman but her time here was at an end. Actually the last time I felt this was in May but I think it started back in April, it is a long slow descent into my personal hell.
As a non-practicing Cat-lick I believe in the message, sadly I don’t believe in the sales pitch. I stopped hearing it during my 1st confession when I realized the young priest was the embodiment of the “70’s Happy, Friendly White Euro-Caucasian Jesus” I think at that moment I realized “Church” is a lie. By that I mean “Organized” religion. GOD exists. Everything “related to religion” is man’s attempt at a hierarchy by which to enforce rules created by a small group of MEN who want to subjugate EVERYONE who is NOT in that group.
I have always had a strong interest in how/ why our brain works. But realized at any early age (7) that I CAN not focus in a classroom. Even as an adult, I can’t sit and watch a :30 min TV show without being fidgety or anxious. So any “career” that involved more than 2 years of training, was/ is a waste of time, ergo my incomplete college education. I’ve tried several different time management and personal “pump-you up” systems and literally didn’t care enough to unwrap them when I got home.
I feel like a failure, or can’t live the lie.
Sometimes, when my wife comes up behind me ( when I am like this) and puts her loving arms around me. I want jump out of my skin and scream and HULK out its not that she surprised me, her touch literally causes the nerves in my body to sizzle which sets off my anger, panic and anxiety. This not how I want to be anymore. I am a lover and a hugger.
Except when I am like this.
I am blogging this to try and catch my “cycle” I think it began about week ago. The symptoms I have noticed are lethargy, 3 hours sleep is the same as 12 hours and I drag myself around ( I feel like a marionette with tangled strings), even though a Starbux double-sexpresso gets me “going” mentally all I hear is “blah, blah”, an auditory fog, which leads to frustration.
I can’t make what you say connect or have meaning.
Anxiety according the Wiki-gods “a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.”
It made sense to me this week while delivering pizza. I have started smoking a cigarette on the drive out to the customer and one on the way back. For those keeping track that’s 2 in 10-15 min. I don’t “chain” smoke, I freight train. The other marker is that my 3 boys ( 6,8,9) SEE, when dad is “off the leash” and stay clear. I can’t explain how EMPTY and self-hateful this makes me feel ( but I feel its better they stay away). I remember my dad being like this when I was my boyz age. All I ever wanted from him, was to decide to be friend of foe (upon proof-reading the truth was I wished he were dead). It creates confusion, and apprehension. And I can’t stop that dragon from rearing up and scorching everything and everyone I touch.
I hate me.
A little back story, my dad’s familia was 6 kids the “older” ones in order Uncle J, Aunt B1 and Aunt T then about 10-12 years then Aunt B2, Dad, then Uncle I (which means I have “cousins” who were 10-15 years older than me (imagine the confusion). In the early 80’s we would drive in from Houston and although I remember HATING the drive (just 2 hours) and attending and listening to my family event was up there with nails on chalkboards, salt in wounds, and being gagged with a spoon. I was mocked, by older male cousins for being “a baby” and my female cousins who a few short years ago where all “big” sisters stopped being so.
Lost in a sea of people.
I have been working in the garage (but not today, I have been in front of the computer “deciding” to do this). I disassembled the workbench and made “permanent” adjustments to the height (at 37.5″ now) and depth ( I did cut it down to 27″ deep) I reinforced with more bracing and screws (gorilla glue sux) tightened all the woodscrews down ( I know right). Last night I grabbed a 16″ x 1.25″ pine dowel and some graph paper and worked out a 2 thread per inch sample ( haven’t cut it yet) I am up-cycling some construction lumber found enough scrapped 3/4″ ply to make a top close to 2.5″ thick. I am sure many would say JUST BUILD THE REAL ONE.
And that is where the anxiety starts.
Do you remember the scene in Forest Gump where Lt. Dan tells Forest get in the gopher hole? I am the same way. When most people are told that going inside a gopher hole would be certain death or at least dangerous and run the other way. I go in, with enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm, I fake it.
Smirks are the best you get. I feel out of phase.
Scotty, redirect power from the shields, and boost the the transporter feed.
I am done for now, sorry to puke on you guys.
time to deliver pizza.